(Source: s-p-a-r-r-o-w-s, via xbeautifulxbonesx)
I want to be skinny and I want to be happy and free but somehow they seem to contradict. Just doing this til I'm comfortable in my own skin.
Ask for prog blog. I used to publish photos here but people freaked me out
I'm 20.
Height: 156cm/ 5"1.5
HW: 51.5kg
CW: 45-46kg ( Fluctuating)
LW: 42kg Control
Ask for prog blog. I used to publish photos here but people freaked me out
I'm 20.
Height: 156cm/ 5"1.5
HW: 51.5kg
CW: 45-46kg ( Fluctuating)
LW: 42kg Control
Woke up the day before 44.2 kg, yesterday 44.9kg. MY weight fluctuates every day, I’m content to remain under 45 ( I think) or that 44 range is something I can afford to live with. I don’t feel a burning need to push it any lower, although I think it would be lovely just to watch the numbers plunge. But I think I just need to feel skinny, to be at least underweight to a minimal extent. Sounds pathetic right.
It’s not that I like my backbones to be sticking out, I’m actually quite repulsed with what I’m doing to myself. I panic when people comment on my weight loss, so I try to hide it by wearing jackets. But I need to see the numbers dip. drop. plunge. plummet. fall. whatever. It needs to go down. I don’t know why the obsession with numbers.
Yet this has not consumed my life. I can go out and have fun, not as freely but I can integrate and be happy enough in my social circles which is sufficient. (:
One day, God’s grace will prevail and I will find happiness in my physical shell. But for now it is a constant battle for self-acceptance. I acknowledge that I need to go through struggles and suffering for me to gain empathy and understanding for people around me. I know that all this will eventually, and has already started making me so much stronger. I know more certainly that I have a purpose and this purpose will only be fulfilled when I kick away this obstacle.
The obstacle is not my fat, as I once believed, but my distorted self-perception. Being average is not enough because I believe that if I’m not skinny, I have nothing. That is not true. I can say this now. But I know these awful thoughts will rape my mind again.
Stay strong girlie. (: You will make it through yet another day, week, month, year (:
But I’m pretty contented for now. 45.0kg, 99.0lbs, bmi 18.49
Doesn’t seem too fat. At least not until I lose some more
45.0 today. I hope I break the 45 barrier tomorrow. Exactly 99 pounds
